The Victorious: Novem
by Ravenclaw-in-a-TARDIS
Summary: Newly regenerated and with no memory of how the Time War really ended, the Ninth Doctor attempts to pick up the pieces of his shattered life and move on from the war. By chance, he meets a girl named Rose Tyler, and finds a reason to live. Season One rewritten in the context of the Victorious. Part two of the five part Victorious series.
1. Prologue: Regeneration

**Prologue: Regeneration**

Prologue: Regeneration

I do not own Doctor Who. I own nothing.

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It always hurt. Regeneration was bloody agony.

Gasping on the floor of the TARDIS console room, he opened his eyes.

He was forgetting something, his muddled mind thought. Something important. Something about a wolf. Something about Gallifrey.

Then he noticed the silence.

There was silence in his head. Why couldn't he hear other Time Lords? The silence hurt. He reached out with his mind, searching for someone. Anyone. There was no one there but the TARDIS.

Then he remembered.

Gallifrey was burning.

His people were screaming.

Gallifrey was gone.

He killed them all.

The Doctor (he didn't deserve to call himself that) folded in on himself, his entire body racking with sobs. The silence in his head along with the crushing guilt was too much. Why was he still alive?

Struggling to his feet, he systematically began to disengage the safety mechanisms on the console.

The TARDIS soon realized what he was trying to do, and she began to fight him: Showering sparks, making certain buttons too hot to touch...but her Doctor would not be deterred. This regeneration was as stubborn as ever, and he had a death wish.

Having disengaged all the safety mechanisms, the Doctor walked purposely towards the TARDIS doors fully intending to throw himself unprotected into the time vortex, which would kill him instantly.

There was nothing for it. The TARDIS wasn't going to let him do it. All mighty showers of sparks exploded from strategic areas of the console room, effectively blocking his way to the door.

"I've got to do this!" He shouted, "There is no one left! I should have died with my people. I should have burned with Gallifrey!"

The TARDIS wouldn't let up, despite the fact she was ruining her own console room.

At the same time, she strengthened her psychic link with the Doctor in a way that has never been done before, because it's never been necessary. As much as she could, she occupied some of the empty space in his head.

The Doctor felt the TARDIS brushing his mind. Not like this, my Doctor. My Thief. No.

All at once the fight drained out of the Doctor.

Tired. He was so tired.

The shower of sparks let up. The TARDIS nudged the Doctor's mind again. _Sleep, Thief. You must rest._

The Doctor dragged himself out of the console room, only to find that the bedroom had been moved nearby. He had never been so coddled by his ship before. He didn't like it.

He collapsed onto his bed and allowed sleep to claim him.

Seven hours and forty-two minutes. Even when unconscious from a restorative coma, he was acutely aware of the passage of time.

The quiet in his head was almost unbearable, but he felt the comforting hum of the TARDIS filled his mind.

Opening his eyes, he noticed what the TARDIS had been up to while he was sleeping. She had stripped herself down to her barest coral. The lighting was soft and comforting. The interior was nearly unrecognizable from what he was accustomed to during the war, and he was grateful.

Eventually, he changed his clothes. He donned a simple jumper and dark trousers. He couldn't bring himself to part from his leather jacket. He decided to wear it as penance for his crimes. He didn't deserve to forget what he did.

He wondered into the newly remodeled console room and leaned on the console.

"Now what?" he asked despondently.


	2. Chapter 1: The Girl Named Rose

**Chapter 1: The Girl Named Rose**

_Author's Notes:_

_This is one of the few chapters where you will see some recognizable dialogue from the show. (All the dialogue you recognize is written by RTD, not me) After this, you won't see much from the actual season. You will see some "missing scenes" and my interpretation of what is really going on in the ninth Doctor's head._

_I hope you enjoy!_

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The ninth Doctor's piercing blue eyes snapped to the scanner as he steadied himself on the TARDIS console. He'd experienced ... at least he thought he'd experienced an odd sensation that should not have been possible.

For just a second (it was less than a second, really), He felt a swooning sickening feeling that only Time Lords could sense when fixed points in time were being forcibly rewritten. However, the moment he reacted, the feeling disappeared.

Had he imagined it? The scanner was telling him so. There was nothing unusual out there. The Doctor leaned on the console and glowered at the screen.

"I've gone mad, that's what it is," the Doctor mumbled out loud.

He was unraveling.

Wondering.

Running from place to place, trying to drown out the deafening silence in his head.

His TARDIS tried to fill in the empty spaces in his mind, and he was grateful, but it was never enough.

The fact remained that he was the only one left. The last of his kind. He deserved to ... Don't think about that, he told himself firmly. That line of thought always led to...to bad things.

Feeling a foolish, but needing something to do, he initiated a secondary scan, just to be sure he hadn't missed anything.

Then he spotted it. Abnormal readings coming from a very familiar level five planet.

"Of course it's earth," the Doctor mumbled. "What the hell else would it be?"

Focusing the scan, the Doctor recognized the cause of the abnormal readings.

"The Nestene Consciousness?" he asked incredulously. Then a sickening realization flooded through him. "The war," he remembered, guiltily. "Their planet, their foodstuffs were destroyed in the war." Exhaling he said, "I'm sorry. I really am, but you can't have Earth."

As he the course to Earth, he tried to remember where on his ship he kept the anti-plastic. "For insurance," he told himself firmly. "I'm not going to use it."

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"Wilson?"

His hearts stopped when he heard her. No one else was supposed to be down here. If he didn't get to her, then she'd go the same way as the electrician who's body he'd found earlier. If he didn't get to the roof and detonate his device on time, most of London would be dead in a matter of hours.

"Wilson, I've got the lottery money. Wilson are you there?"

He should just leave her. What's one girl?

"Look, I can't hang about 'cause they're closing the shop."

The Doctor mumbled a string of his favorite Gallifreyan swear words as he changed direction and headed toward the girl's voice. Of course he wouldn't just leave her.

The girl didn't take long to find. She was being noisy enough. Peroxide blonde, pink hoodie, and jeans; she was no more than a teenager. The Autons had her cornered. Her back was against the wall and her eyes were shut. The Doctor was mildly impressed that she wasn't screaming.

Careful not to draw the attention of the animated shop window dummies, he inched closer to the girl. The Doctor reached out and firmly grabbed hold of her hand. Her eyes flew open. Beautifully brown and vaguely familiar, he noted as her eyes locked with his.

Then the Doctor said one word, just one word. "Run!"

The girl didn't hesitate, and she didn't let go of his hand. They ran.

He and the girl tore through the basement (she seemed to have no trouble keeping up) as the Autons gave chase. The Doctor led her to a lift which, thankfully, opened quickly, but didn't close quite fast enough. The lead Auton plunged its arm through the closing doors. With lightening reflexes, the Doctor caught the arm, and after several tugs he pulled it off, and the doors closed.

"You pulled his arm off," the girl said blankly.

"Yep," the Doctor answered as he threw the arm to her, and she caught it. "Plastic."

"Very clever," the girl said, nearly hysterical, but not quite. "Nice trick! Who were they then, students?"

Keep her talking and she'll stay calm long enough for him to get her out of here, the Doctor thought.

The girl spoke again. "Is this a student thing or what?"

Student thing? He thought. Then he asked out loud, "Why would they be students?"

"I don't know."

"Well, you said it," the Doctor countered impatiently. "Why students?"

"'Cause to get that many people dressed up and being silly, they got to be students," the girl answered tersely.

"That makes sense," he answered, genuinely impressed. "Well done."

"Thanks."

Now, to immediately burst her bubble, "They're not students."

"Whoever they are, when Wilson finds them, he's going to call the police."

"Who's Wilson?"

"Chief electrician."

Oh, him. "Wilson's dead."

Judging by her reaction as she followed him off of the lift, the Doctor probably should have let her down a bit easier.

"That's just not funny. That's sick!"

Gently moving the girl out of the way, he said, "Hold on. Mind your eyes." He soniced the lift button, causing it to short, disabling the lift.

"I've had enough of this now," the girl said shrilly, still nearly hysterical. "Who are you, then? Who's that lot down there? I said, who are they?"

"They're made of plastic," the Doctor answered. "Living plastic creatures. They're being controlled by a relay device in the roof, which would be a great big problem if I didn't have this." He pulled the explosive device from his pocket and waved it at her. "So, I'm going to go up there and blow them up," then he added honestly, "and I might well die in the process, but don't worry about me." He opened the door to he stairs back up to the roof and stepped inside. "No, you go home. Go on. Go and have your lovely beans on toast. Don't tell anyone about this, because if you do, you'll get them killed."

He shut the door behind him. He had to go and take care of this, now. No more distractions. Hopefully the girl will be smart enough to run away. The girl. That title didn't suit her at all. He never asked her name.

Opening the door, again, he found her still standing there. Didn't her tell her to go home? "I'm the Doctor, by the way," he said. "What's your name?"

"Rose," the girl sputtered.

What a lovely name. Very simple. Rolls off the tongue. "Nice to meet you, Rose," he said sincerely. "Run for your life!"

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"I survived, then," the Doctor said with a bitter laugh. "Big damn surprise, there."

He stood and dusted himself off. The blast threw him off the roof. No broken bones, only a bit singed. He wanted to get back to the TARDIS before the sirens got too close. He didn't feel like explaining himself to the police. The Doctor slipped away quietly.

On board the TARDIS, the time ship brushed his mind affectionately as he rushed around the console flipping switches. He wanted to jump ahead a few hours. By then, most of the police would have cleared out, and he could resume his search for the signal was driving the Autons.

He opened the doors as soon as he felt the landing. It was morning, and the TARDIS landed near a counsel estate.

"An interesting place to hide," he mumbled.

A quick scan with the sonic told him he was on the right track. The signal went toward one of the flats. That meant he would have to deal with people.

He didn't want to deal with people. Especially not human people.

Sighing in resignation, the Doctor followed the signal. It seemed to be coming from a flat several flights up. Trotting up the stairs, he stopped in front of a certain door. Maybe no one was home.

The Doctor got down on his hands and knees and was about to peer through the cat flap, when he heard a familiar voice.

"Mum, you're such a liar. I told you to nail that cat flap down. We're going to get strays."

"Rose?" he whispered to himself. "You're kidding me." He heard another voice.

"I did it weeks back!"

Rose answered, "No, you thought about it."

Suddenly the cat flap lifted and the Doctor saw those beautiful brown eyes peering at him once more.

The Doctor ignored the flutter in his hearts and stood as Rose snatched the door opened.

"What're you doing here?" The Doctor asked much more rudely than he intended.

"I live here," Rose said in the same tone, not the least bit intimidated.

Brilliant girl, he thought, but he said, "Well, what do you do that for?"

"Because I do," she answered crossly. "I'm only at home because someone blew up my job."

Suddenly remembering why he was there in the first place, the Doctor said, "I must have got the wrong signal. You're not plastic, are you?" He playfully knocked on her head. "No, bonehead. Bye, then."

Escape wasn't going to be that easy.

Rose, much stronger than she looked, grabbed him by his arm and pulled him inside the flat. "You. Inside. Right now."

The Doctor heard the other voice again. He supposed that was her mother. "Who is it?"

"It's about last night," Rose explained quickly. "He's part of the inquiry. Give us ten minutes."

"She deserves compensation," the woman, another peroxide blonde, said as he paused in front of her bedroom doorway.

"We're talking millions," the Doctor quipped automatically as he took in the surroundings.

The Doctor looked at the older woman again when her tone changed. "I'm in my dressing gown," she stated.

The Doctor thought, Is she coming on to me? "Yes, you are," he answered evenly.

"There's a strange man in my bedroom."

She is coming on to me. "Yes, there is." Really, you have no idea how strange.

"Well, anything could happen," she said, fluttering her eyes.

"No," he said firmly, as he walked away. He'd never admit that he was a bit flattered.

He looked around the apartment, half looking for the source of the signal he was following, and half looking into this comfortable little world in which Rose Tyler lived.

The Doctor saw his reflection in a mirror. For the first time he didn't immediately look away. Except for the jacket, he didn't look much like ... No, don't think about him.

"Could've been worse," he said out loud. Frowning, he added. "Look at the ears."

He didn't have much time to preen. Once again, he was forcibly reminded why he was there in the first place when the plastic arm he was tracking nearly killed them both, but he was able to neutralize it in time.

Barely.

Arm in tow, the Doctor marched back toward the TARDIS, but he was followed by Rose Tyler. He couldn't seem to get rid of her.

She's not coming with me, he thought to himself. Last thing I need is some human girl following me about.

"You can't just walk away," she was saying. "That's not fair. You've got to tell me what's going on."

"No, I don't," he answered simply.

"All right, then. I'll go to the police. I'll tell everyone. You said, if I did that, I'd get people killed. So, your choice." The Doctor couldn't help smiling at her when she said, "Tell me, or I'll start talking."

He teased, "Is that supposed to sound tough?"

"Sort of," she faltered.

"Doesn't work."

He really wished she'd stop following him, and she wouldn't stop asking questions. Some of them were good questions, though. She was quite clever. He would never admit how much he was enjoying her company. But, he didn't need her. He didn't need anyone, especially not some human teenager.

"Really, though, Doctor," Rose Tyler asked seriously. "Tell me, who are you?"

The Doctor turned and looked at her properly. Her blonde hair was blowing about her face. Her beautiful eyes were serious as she looked at him. Her lips ..." Stop that now, he told himself firmly. She's just a human girl.

Right, to answer her question. Where to start? Finally he said, "Do you know like we were saying about the Earth revolving? It's like when you were a kid. The first time they tell you the world's turning and you just can't quite believe it because everything looks like it's standing still. I can feel it." Hardly realizing he was doing it, he reached for Rose's hand. She took his without hesitation. It was like her hand belonged in his. "The turn of the Earth."

The Doctor allowed his mind to relax and his senses to take over. He could feel much more than the turn of the earth, but the English language was inadequate to describe the vortex that controlled the spiraling timelines he felt all around him. He said, "The ground beneath our feet is spinning at a thousand miles an hour, and the entire planet is hurtling round the sun at sixty seven thousand miles an hour, and I can feel it. We're falling through space, you and me, clinging to the skin of this tiny little world, and if we let go ..."

Then he felt something quite different. An unexplainably familiar feeling of peace, and an echo of a song rushed through the Doctor. Was it coming from Rose? That would be impossible. He let go of her hand, and the song stopped. "That's who I am," he finished, lamely. "Now, forget me, Rose Tyler. Go home."

The Doctor turned away from Rose Tyler and walked toward the TARDIS with the arm. His instincts were telling him that he shouldn't be walking away from Rose Tyler. They were telling him that he needed to keep her close, but he ignored his instincts. She's just a girl, he told himself over and over. She's just a human girl, and she certainly doesn't need to be around the likes of me.

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Rose Tyler didn't forget him (this girl never seemed to follow instructions). She saved his life.

Once again, his life was spared from certain death, but for the first time in a very long time, he was grateful that he wasn't dead.

"A fat lot of good you were," Rose gloated as they stood together in an alleyway. She was high on the adrenaline from the days events and rather giddy.

"Nestene Consciousness? Easy," the Doctor said with a false bravado.

"You were useless in there," she countered. "You'd be dead if it wasn't for me."

"Yes, I would. Thank you," he said honestly. "Right then, I'll be off, unless, er, I don't know, you could come with me." He willed himself not to blush, and he started babbling. Why the hell was he babbling? "This box isn't just a London hopper, you know. It goes anywhere in the universe free of charge."

"Don't," cried the useless lump called Rickey. "He's an alien. He's a thing."

"He's not invited," the Doctor said pointedly. "What do you think? You could stay here, fill your life with work and food and sleep, or you could go anywhere."

He saw the spark of adventure in her eyes. She asked, "Is it always this dangerous?"

"Yeah," he answered a bit too quickly.

Rickey (the Doctor knew perfectly well his name was Mickey) clung to Rose, and her face fell a bit.

"Yeah, I can't. I've er, I've got to go and find my mum and someone's got to look after this stupid lump, so."

He tried his best not to show his disappointment as he stepped back into the TARDIS. "Okay. See you around." He firmly shut the door behind him.

"Lets just get out of here," he mumbled to his TARDIS, his only companion. He automatically put the ship in the Time Vortex and sat heavily on the jump seat.

"You're a bloody idiot," he told himself out loud. "Of course she wasn't going to come. As if you deserve to have someone come with you. Murderer."

If she knew what kind of man he really was, she'd run away from him. He should have known better than to ask.

Rubbing his hands across his face, the Doctor stood and leaned on the console. He moved to input new coordinates to go somewhere. Anywhere.

He swore loudly when the TARDIS shot a spark at him that caught him right on his hand.

"What was that for?"

The scanner turned itself on. On it read the Gallifreyan word for time. Then the coordinates for Earth...coordinates that would land the TARDIS in the same alley where it was before, about ten seconds in the future.

The Doctor stared at the screen. "Rose said no," he said blankly. "I asked her..." then comprehension dawned. "I didn't mention that the TARDIS is a time machine. But, it wont make a difference."

The TARDIS brushed his mind again. Sighing in resignation, the Doctor landed the TARDIS back in the alley.

Walking to the door, he opened it and stuck his head out. His hearts fluttered when he spotted Rose still there. Composing himself, he said with as much cheerfulness as he could muster, "By the way, did I mention it also travels in time?"

Before rose could answer, he disappeared back through the door, leaving it open. He didn't dare to hope that she would follow.

Exactly seven point five seconds passed, then the Doctor's heart soared as Rose Tyler appeared through his door. She shut it behind her, and looked at him expectantly as she smiled, her tongue between her teeth.

He grinned back at her. There was such innocence in her eyes. She trusted him. It had been a long time since anyone looked at him like that. He would have done anything to keep her looking at him like that. It had been years since he had someone to show off for.


	3. Chapter 2: Bad Dreams

Author's Notes:

First of all, I feel like I should explain my absence. I have something called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). It is sort of a seasonal depression that happens certain times of the year. It can vary in its severity. For me, It is usually not that bad. But this time, it was coupled with several other life issues, and I could barely get up and go to work every day. Everything else just went on the back burner. But I am back now, and I apologize for my very, very long absence.

I hope to get back on schedule with this series, and I am quite excited about it. I hope all my readers are still here. Thank you all for your support.

* * *

_Planets were burning._

His people were burning.

Everyone.

He was watching it happen.

He was making it happen.

He was the most powerful being in the universe. The Victorious. His actions sealed the fate of countless species, planets, and realities. Even time would bend to his will.

He was like a god.

A vengeful god.

The Doctor was dreaming. He was sitting in the TARDIS library when his body finally succumbed to sleep. For weeks, he had been avoiding sleep by spending his nights tinkering around the TARDIS, and his days running from one place to another with Rose Tyler.

**Two Weeks Earlier**

It had been a long time since the Doctor had anyone to show off for, and show off for her he did.

Rose grinned at the Doctor as he all but danced around the console, spinning dials, pulling levers and watching her delighted face as he took them further and further into the future.

It had been so long that the Doctor may have gotten a bit carried away. He took Rose to the end of her world. He brought her to the day Earth was destroyed. In hindsight, he thought afterwards, that was a very poor choice for a first date. (It wasn't really a date, was it?)

Perhaps, he reasoned with himself, it was a good thing for Rose to see what his life was really like. The danger, the chaos, and the death. People always died. Most of the time, it was his fault.

But Platform one was a productive trip, at least. He and Rose saved some lives, stopped the enemy, and even had time for a good row: first about the translation circuit ("It gets inside, it changes my mind and you didn't even ask?"), then about a rather touchy subject for the Doctor ("Tell me who you are!" "This is who I am right here, right now, alright? All that counts is here and now, and this is me!")

When that adventure was over, he took Rose Tyler back to her own time. The Doctor watched her as she stood stoically on a crowded street in London. There was a little less innocence in her eyes, he noted guiltily as Rose looked around at the people bustling to and fro.

"My planet's gone," he finally confessed. He couldn't bring himself to say the name of his world. The people, culture and language that survived through him alone. "There was a war, and we lost."

"A war with who?"

An innocent question, that. However, the darkness that often threatened to overtake him swirled in to his mind when he remembered the great enemy of the Time Lords. The ones that turned him into a murderer. A monster.

Rose, realizing that he wouldn't answer, cleared her throat uncertainly and asked, "What about your people?"

"I'm a Time Lord," he said blankly. "I'm the last of the Time Lords. They're all gone. I'm the only survivor." Not by choice, he almost said out loud. "I'm left traveling on my own 'cause there's no one else."

Then Rose said two words that forever etched themselves on his barren hearts. "There's me."

"You've seen how dangerous it is." _How dangerous I am, _he should have added. With a look of resignation, he asked. "Do you want to go home?"

"I don't know," Rose blinked those big brown eyes at him (Why were her eyes so familiar?) "I want..." The nineteen year old sniffed distractedly as she looked around. "Oh, can you smell chips?"

The Doctor sniffed the air and laughed despite himself. "Yeah."

"I want chips," she said with a shake of her head.

"Me too," the Doctor said. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he ate anything, and he wondered if Rose could hear his stomach rumbling.

"Right, then." Rose squared her shoulders. "Before you get me back in that box, chips it is and you can pay."

The Doctor's heart soared. All the darkness that threatened to overcome him earlier was temporarily forgotten as he confessed, with a shrug. "No money."

In mock exasperation, Rose sighed, "What sort of date are you? Come on then, tight wad, chips are on me." Grinning, she took his hand. "We've only got five billion years 'til the shops close."

Beaming back at her, he allowed this human girl to lead him to the nearest chippy.

Rose Tyler. The human girl who challenged him in every way. Brilliant. Brave. Instincts that always seemed to be correct (Annoying, that).

Even when faced with certain death, she didn't succumb to fear.

In a basement in 1869, surrounded by the walking dead, she said, "We'll go down fightin', yeah? Together?"

"I'm so glad I met you," he confessed.

"Me too," she'd answered...and was it his imagination, or did her eyes flick down to his lips as she smiled at him?

On Downing Street in 2006, they'd faced down the threat of the family Slitheen. They were trapped, and the only way out could kill everyone in that room.

"That's the thing," he told her mother over the phone, "If I don't dare, everyone dies."

"Do it," Rose told him.

In awe, he'd asked her, "You don't even know what it is, and you'd just let me?"

Jackie was pleading with him over the phone, but Rose was calm and looked steadily at him. Her familiar brown eyes looked eternal and ancient as she said, "What are you waiting for?"

Then the Doctor voiced what had become is biggest fear. "I could save the world but lose you."

In Utah in 2012, Rose stood face to face with a lone killer. A Dalek. It was about to _kill _her, and she was comforting him, the Doctor.

"It wasn't your fault. Remember that, okay? It wasn't your fault. And you know what? I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

That...that was a bad day.

Until that day in Utah, being with Rose Tyler almost made him forget.

Almost.

But that day, half a mile under ground, all that the Doctor was running from came crashing back into his life.

Chained in an underground bunker, was the stuff of his worst nightmares. A Dalek. A Dalek that was every bit as alone and mad as he was. Perhaps it was the only other being in the universe who really understood what it was like to be the sole survivor of a war.

But the Doctor refused to see himself in this monster. That is what it was. A monster who deserved to die. He intended to do it. To make it die and to make it suffer.

Rose wouldn't let him do it.

She stood between him and the Dalek with a look of horror on her face. The look of horror was indeed directed at the monster. She was staring at the Doctor.

"And what about you, Doctor? What the hell are you changing in to?"

The Doctor knew he wasn't changing at all. He was showing Rose his true colors.

He didn't deserve her, he knew that. However, even after she'd caught a glimpse of the murderer he was, he couldn't risk losing her. He needed her, and it frightened him how much.

At the end of that horrible day, Rose stood looking at him with those beautifully familiar brown eyes and asked if the little weasel named Adam could travel with them. Adam, the whining little shit of a pretty boy with absolutely no balls. He already knew that he would be more trouble than he was worth, but when Rose asked him, he couldn't bring himself to say no (and he absolutely refused to acknowledge an inappropriate stab of jealousy he felt toward the weasel).

Honestly, Rose could have asked him for his right heart, and he would have ripped his chest open right there and given it to her. If he was honest with himself both of his hearts were already hers. _Never tell her that! _

Fortunately, it didn't take Adam long to show his true colors.

**Presently**

"I only take the best," he'd told that Adam kid when he begged the Doctor not to leave him at home with a trap door installed in his head. The Doctor noticed Rose's pleased look as he said it, and his hearts warmed.

He and Rose returned to the TARDIS, and he parked her in the time vortex to do some tinkering under the console. He was acutely aware that Rose was sitting on the jump seat watching him.

Finally she spoke, "Did you mean what you said?"

"About what?" the Doctor asked distractedly, even though he knew exactly what she meant.

"Never mind," Rose shook her head. Rose was quiet for a long moment before she spoke again. "Doctor?"

"What?"

The Doctor heard Rose inhale and exhale several times as if she wanted to say something, but she kept changing her mind before any sound came out.

The Doctor stuck his head out from the console long enough to say, "Spit it out. You had a question, didn't you?"

Rose looked uncertain, but this time she spoke, "Are you...With all this stuff that been going on with Satellite Five and Adam, we haven't had a chance to talk about..." Rose cleared her throat. "We haven't talked about what happened with...in Utah."

Ah. There it was.

"What about it?" the Doctor asked evenly.

"Well," Rose said carefully. "Are you alright?"

"Always," he said with a shrug as he returned to his tinkering, trying to look busier than he was.

"Right," she said, standing up. "I was just...checking." Rose stretched slowly, and the Doctor, feeling like a dirty old man, stole a glance at her as she did. "I'm gonna have a shower." The Doctor silently chastised himself for the images that popped in to his head as she said that. "I'll meet you in the library later, yeah?"

"Sure, if you want," the Doctor said blandly. Truthfully, he looked forward to the times he in Rose spent in the library or the media room...even if it was rather domestic.

The moment Rose left the console room, the Doctor stopped what he was doing and raked his hands across his face. He was exhausted. Of course, Time Lords didn't need as much sleep as humans. An hour or two every few days was more than enough. However, he hadn't slept since before he met Rose. It had weeks. He was pushing his limits. He'd have to sleep sometime. Maybe tomorrow night.

The Doctor finished what he was doing and made his way to the library. He picked up the book he was reading the night before, a rare book of Gallifreyan poetry. Rose was very interested in the complex swirls and spirals that were his native language. She always asked him to read some of it, and he'd always avoided it. Sometimes, he'd give in and translate one of them into English, but he'd never read it to her out loud in his native tongue. He avoided speaking his home language (except for the swear words) because it was too painful.

Automatically, he opened the book to one of his favorites...Actually, it used to be his granddaughter's favorite. Susan.

This was a poem about an ordinary leaf that was blown off a tree, and caused the meeting of two humans that would become husband and wife. They would then have a daughter who would grow up and travel in and out of time to save the hero who would save the universe from destruction.

Susan would read it and marvel at how something so insignificant as a wayward leaf could effect so much. The most important leaf in human history. The Doctor would remind her that it was just a poem. A silly story dreamt up by the mad poets of Gallifrey.

The Doctor shifted to a more comfortable position and began to read. He had no idea when he fell asleep. He certainly didn't mean to. Not here.

His dreams were ruthless and unforgiving.

_He was at Arcadia._

The Daleks had done the impossible. They'd broken through the defenses that were supposed to be impenetrable. There was a massacre. One of the worst of the war. Arcadia, the last stronghold of Gallifrey had fallen.

The scene changed and he was trekking down the street with a single, terrible purpose in mind, despite the heartbreaking chaos around him.

He'd spotted a woman and a young girl were running hand in hand. They were being pursued by a single Dalek. They had no chance of escaping, but still the Doctor couldn't stand by and do nothing. He aimed the weapon in his hand at the Dalek, but the Dalek was quicker. There was a flash of light and the woman collapsed. The Dalek shot her. The woman locked eyes with the Doctor as she fell. The Doctor fired his weapon, and the Dalek exploded. The little girl was screaming. Her screams were full of pain and grief and fear. They were the types of screams that should never come from a child that young. Another Gallifreyan picked up the little girl and ran.

The Doctor had bought the girl a few more minutes to live, but he knew she wouldn't survive much longer. No one on this planet would live much longer. The Doctor kept moving past the bodies littering the street-most of them children.

This had to end.

No more.

The dream changed again.

The Doctor was in a shed, standing in front of a box with his hand hovering over the big red button. The Moment. He was dimly aware of a second being in the room. A familiar blonde woman with honey brown eyes. The Doctor took a breath and pressed the button, and the strange woman spoke.

"The time war ends," she stated, sadly. "You are the one, Victorious."

Before the Doctor could process what she said, he was suddenly brought to his knees by the sound of screaming in his mind.

Planets were burning.

His people were burning.

Everyone.

He was watching it happen.

He was making it happen.

He was the most powerful being in the universe. The Victorious. His actions sealed the fate of countless species, planets, and realities. Even time would bend to his will.

He was like a god.

A vengeful god.

Then quite suddenly, there was silence. There was a silence that completely snapped him out of his vengeful god delusion (was it a delusion?). It was a terrible silence that ripped at his mind. It ripped great gaping holes into his mind, leaving it desolate.

It was agony.

It was killing him.

Run. Just run.

By instinct alone, he blindly ran back to his TARDIS. The doors of the time ship shut behind him on their own accord. The TARDIS launched herself into the safety of the vortex as her Doctor...her wonderful Thief...lay writhing in the floor. A single thought was torturing his mind. Murderer. The trauma was too much. It was causing him to regenerate.

"Doctor!"

The Doctor's eyes flew open. For a horrible moment, he didn't know where he was. He found himself staring into a pair of honey brown eyes. _Those eyes! _What was it about those eyes that seemed so familiar?

Then his senses caught up with him.

Rose. Rose was standing over him. He was in the TARDIS library. He was reading, and he must have fallen asleep...Oh no.

Rose looked quite shaken as she sputtered, "You...I think you were having a nightmare."

No, no, no... The Doctor sat up, now carefully avoiding Rose's eyes.

"You were saying...things," Rose added tentatively.

Feeling heat radiating from his face, the Doctor leaned forward and roughly rubbed his palms across his eyes and rested them there, with his elbows leaning on his knees. He didn't want to think about what she might have heard him say.

When the Doctor didn't look up, Rose asked, "Are you alright?"

"Always," the Doctor snapped back at her, still not looking up. "I'm bloody fantastic." He didn't want Rose to see how his face was burning with shame.

He was still buzzing with adrenaline when he felt Rose lightly touch his shoulder. The Doctor didn't mean to flinch away from her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No."

"Sometimes talking helps."

"Sometimes it doesn't," he countered stubbornly. With a sigh, the Doctor uncovered his face long enough to retrieve the poetry book that had fallen to the ground. The Doctor felt the Sofa depress as Rose sat next to him.

"Were you dreaming about the war?"

The Doctor let out a mirthless laugh. "Yeah."

"I'll bet it was horrible," Rose said.

"Understatement."

"I am so sorry." Rose's voice caught with emotion, and the Doctor finally looked at her. Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. "I try to imagine how it feels. Like if something happened and everyone on earth..." Rose shook her head, unable to finish that sentence. "Everyone except me."

The Doctor gave her a hard stare. He stared long enough to make Rose fidget unconfortably. Then with a sigh, the Doctor said a word he had yet to share with Rose. "Gallifrey." The Doctor couldn't remember the last time he uttered that word out loud. "The name of my planet was Gallifrey. Beautiful, it was. Gone now. All gone." It was too painful to say any more than that.

Rose seemed to understand that much, at least. She asked, "Can you ever visit? Go back before the war, I mean."

"Timelocked."

"Time...locked..." Rose frowned as she thought. "That means it's locked away? You can never go back, yeah?"

His clever Rose. "Never," He said to her gently.

Rose squeezed his hand and they sat in silence for a moment. "Is that why you don't sleep?" Rose asked, "The nightmares?"

The Doctor didn't have to answer.

"What if..." Rose hesitated. "What if I slept with you?" The Doctor gaped at her, wide eyed. "You know what I mean," Rose said with a ghost of a smile. "It helps when you're not alone."

The Doctor felt a swell of emotion as he looked at his young companion. He was quite careful, though, to keep his face neutral.

"It's just something to think about," Rose said blushing when the Doctor didn't answer.

"Thank you," he said. For just a moment, the Doctor let his guard down so that Rose could see in his eyes that his thanks was sincere.

Then, opening the poetry book, the Doctor said cheerfully, "I've read you several poems out of this book already, but I don't think I've read you my favorite one."

Rose blinked at his sudden change in mood, but she wasn't too surprised. She'd gotten used to the Doctor's rather mercurial nature.

Rose shifted so that she was curled against his side, her eyes on the page. How she wished she could read the mysterious circular language that the TARDIS wouldn't translate.  
The Doctor paused for a long moment before he finally began reading out loud. He heard a small gasp of surprise from Rose.

Rose was enraptured by the beautiful, melodious words (could she call them words?). The sounds and the syllables themselves seemed to radiate with an ancient power that was somehow familiar...but how could it be familiar to Rose? She'd never heard anything like it.

The Doctor was reading in his native language.


End file.
